Hatal Fart Attack
by Corwalch
Summary: This is in response to a plot bunnie on how to give Vernon Dursley a heart attack. Rating to be on safe side. This story is a one shot and complete.


This Plot bunny was given to me from the HP plot bunny group. The idea behind it is how to give Vernon a fatal heart attack. Yes, I know I misspelled it, but title is a spoonerism. One of the choices the bunny offered was: "Harry is honoured by the Queen, the Dursleys are invited to attend." Now I don't know much about the protocol or procedures of how someone is invited to meet with or is honoured by the Queen, so if I made any blunders, please do let me know and also let me know what the normal procedure would be and I will attempt to fix it in my story. Also this takes place in 1989, a few years before Charles and Di's separation and eventual divorce.

I wrote this to cheer up Lady Stormrider and according to her when she read it, it did, so I hope you enjoy my first humorous story.

This is strictly a one shot story. I hope you like this baby bunny that was far more energetic than it should be.

Now the Legal stuff. I don't own Harry Potter and this work is not intended to infringe on JK Rowling's rights or the rights of any of the publishing or movie companies that she is dealing with to spread Harry's story around the world. This story is strictly for my enjoyment and the enjoyment of others who read it. Please don't bother to sue because you won't get anything, because I have nothing. The government already took it all.

* * *

_**Hatal Fart Attack**_

by Corwalch

"VERNON!" Petunia shouted as she reread the letter they had received. "Vernon! Get down here!"

"What is it, Pet?" Vernon asked as he came into the sitting room.

"We've been invited to meet with the Queen!" Petunia looked as if all her dreams had come true. "_Our whole family_."

"Does it say what she wants to see us for?" Vernon wondered.

Petunia shook her head. "No, it doesn't, but the letter does say it's going to be a _private _meeting with the... **Queen**, Vernon. I've never heard of anyone having a private meeting with the Queen before, unless they were a very close friend of hers or the leader of another country." Rereading the last paragraph, she told him, "According to this letter, we need to contact Sir Thomas Marrow to arrange it as soon as possible. What's your schedule like next week?"

Vernon mentally reviewed his work schedule for the coming week. "The early part of next week is no good, I have a three day meeting that can't be rescheduled. The best day next week would probably be Friday. The week after is good as well, because I can reschedule any meetings I may have."

Wanting to show her family to the best advantage and milk it for all it was worth with the neighbours, Petunia looked thoughtful. "We don't really have anything fit to meet the Queen in. We'll need to get new clothes for the occasion and that's going to take a little time. I'll see if we can meet Her Majesty week after next."

* * *

"Your Majesty, we have heard from the Dursleys," her private secretary told her.

"And when has the meeting been arranged for?" Queen Elizabeth the Second inquired.

"June 21st," her secretary told her, "at ten am."

"Ah, William's birthday," Elizabeth nodded in satisfaction. "I know that Her Royal Highness has plans for William that day, but ask her if she wouldn't mind delaying them slightly and bringing William and Harry to meet with Our guests."

"Of course, Your Majesty," then he told her, "Sir David is here with the information your requested. Shall I show him in?"

"When is my next appointment?" She didn't want to rush the meeting with Sir David.

"Not for two hours," he told her after double-checking the appointment book.

"Then show him in and see that we are not disturbed, unless it is an emergency." She instructed.

"Of course, ma'am." Her private secretary bowed slightly and went out to escort Sir David in.

"Your Majesty," Sir David bowed to the Queen and then took the seat she directed him to.

She came straight to the point. "What can you tell me about the family?"

"Petunia Evans and Vernon Dursley have been married for about thirteen years. Vernon Dursley has a sister Marge who is single and raises bull dogs. Petunia Dursley had a sister Lily who died in October of 1981. Lily Potter at least according to the few records we have on her after she started attending private school, married a man named James Potter. According to the neighbours, Petunia Dursley told them that her sister and her husband were killed because he was driving drunk, however there is no record of death involving intoxication whether by car or any other means that killed anyone named Potter in 1981."

"Are there any records that do indicate how they died?" Elizabeth wanted to know.

"Unfortunately, no," Sir David looked at the file he had. "As I said before the records on Mrs. Potter start getting sketchy after she started going to a private school in Scotland. The records do indicate it was a sudden change, because she had originally been intending to go to Briarwood Academy near Salisbury."

"Did you say a private school in Scotland?" The Queen looked thoughtful. "Do you happen to have the name of the school?"

"The Ministry of Education records indicate that she went to the Hoggarts School where she did quite well with O Levels in almost every course she took."

The Queen frowned slightly. It took her a moment to place the name of the school and remember its real name: Hogwarts. The school for witches and wizards, which meant that Lily Potter was a witch and in all probability so was her husband James. Since Sir David didn't know about the hidden community, she quickly went back to the original subject - the Dursleys. "How many children do the Dursleys have?"

"They have only one son; Dudley Malcolm Dursley. He was born May 15, 1980." Sir David told her. "I have shown his picture to the princes and they confirm he is the one. They also have custody of their only nephew, Harry James Potter. He was born July 31, 1980 and came to live with them a few days after his parents death. Pictures of him aren't as easy to get, but William and Harry say he was the other one."

* * *

Queen Elizabeth the Second watched from the far end of the room as the Dursley family was escorted into her private audience chamber. She had always thought that pictures rarely did anybody justice, when they were taken without warning, but in the case of this family, she thought that the pictures were an improvement over the family standing before her. It was quite clear to her they had gone out and purchased very expensive clothes for this meeting, which wasn't all that unusual, but the clothes they had chosen were hardly flattering, or appropriate for a daytime meeting. Mrs. Dursley looked like a giraffe in an evening gown, and while she was trying not to be obvious about it, Queen Elizabeth could see her craning her neck trying to see everything. Her husband was standing slightly behind her looking very uncomfortable in a dark suit that would have probably looked elegant on another man. _At least he hadn't dressed in a tuxedo,_ the Queen thought. The boy had to be the worst of the three though. Dressed in a dark blue suit that did nothing to hide the fact that he probably weighed about fourteen stone and with the close cropped hair he had, it made him look like a dressed up pig that someone had stuck a wig onto. As she looked them over, she decided that they were exactly what she had expected them to be - greedy and self-serving.

Before her secretary could even present them, Queen Elizabeth said. "Mrs. Dursley, Our letter to you instructed you to bring your _**whole **_family to this meeting."

Petunia after curtseying to the Queen, told her, "but this is my whole family, Your Majesty."

"Do you think We are stupid madame?" Queen Elizabeth countered. "Where is your nephew?"

"My nephew?" Petunia paled at the thought of the Queen knowing about the existence of her freak of a nephew.

"Did you think We didn't know about your nephew?" The Queen gave her a pitying look. "We make it Our business to know all we can about the people We are to meet with. Your nephew is the main reason We asked you here to meet with Us. Now where is he?"

Petunia gulped in amazement, wondering a) how the Queen knew about her freakish nephew and b) why she wanted to see him. She was also trying to come up with a way to tell the Queen what she wanted to know without admitting to the Queen of England that she had left her nephew at home locked in the cupboard under the stairs, because Mrs. Figg had been unable to take him today.

"Why did you not follow Our instructions madame?" The Queen repeated her earlier question.

There was silence from Petunia as she tried to figure what to say. The letter they had gotten hadn't said why the Queen wanted to meet with them. She'd just assumed that they were going to be honoured in some way and she felt smug in thinking that she'd finally gotten one over on her sister, even though Lily was dead and would never really know it. She would and that was all that counted. The last thing she'd ever expected to hear the Queen of England ask was why hadn't she brought her freakish nephew with her. As if she wanted him contaminating this special day and event.

"Well madame, We are waiting for an answer."

When Mrs. Dursley's silence continued, she asked. "Do you not consider your nephew part of your family, madame? From what I understand he is your sister's child and unless I am very much mistaken that does make him a blood relation of yours and your son's, if not your husband's."

"Your majesty, I am sorry, I misunderstood." Petunia finally said. "I thought you just wanted to meet with the Dursley family and he is a Potter."

"That still doesn't tell Us where he is, madame." The Queen's voice took on a slight edge. She had already noticed that Vernon Dursley's face had begun to redden and there was a slightly edgy look to it that told her she probably wasn't going to like the answer.

"We left him at home, Your Majesty." Petunia finally told her, deciding not to mention the cupboard.

Princess Diana had come in through the door that led from the royal apartments where her sons were waiting and asked. "Is there someone with him or is he alone?"

Petunia looked at her husband for a moment, but neither of them answered the Princess' question and that silence in itself told the Princess what she wanted to know.

"You left him home alone." Diana couldn't believe that anyone would deliberately leave a child alone at home.

"He was misbehaving earlier and we told him he wouldn't be able to come with us because of that." Petunia lied. She didn't think the Queen or Princess Diana would understand just what kind of freak the boy was and how he had to be kept away from normal people as much as possible. "We didn't have time to find someone to watch him before coming to meet with Your Majesty."

"If you couldn't find someone to watch him, then you should have brought him with you. It is after all what most normal parents do." Diana pointed out calmly. "Would you have left your son home alone at his current age, if he had misbehaved?"

"No!" Vernon spoke up for the first time.

"Of course not, he's my son!" Petunia replied without thinking. "And he would never misbehave. My Dudley is a good boy."

"I fail to see the difference between your son and your nephew." The Queen for the first time didn't use the Royal pronoun. "Other than perhaps, one is your child, while the other is your sister's child."

The Queen paused for a moment, then not giving Petunia or Vernon a chance to respond, looked Petunia in the eye and told her. "Mrs. Dursley, you will accompany Marrow, my private secretary, to your home, where you b both /b will go in and retrieve your nephew and return here with him and without _any_ delay."

Turning her attention to Vernon and his son who was eyeing the snacks on the sideboard with a greedy eye, she missed the sudden pallor on Petunia's face at the thought of anyone who worked for the Queen finding out the truth about how her nephew was treated and where he was kept when he wasn't doing his chores or in school. She knew the Queen's secretary would follow Her Majesty's instructions to the letter and she would have no time to try and get the boy into better clothes or threaten him into keeping silent about how he was treated at home.

"You and your son, Mr. Dursley may wait in the small visitor's room over there until your wife and nephew rejoin us." She instructed the portly man.

Harry couldn't believe his eyes. He was being taken to a **castle**! When Aunt Petunia had come into the house and opened the door to his cupboard, he'd first thought he was going to be punished, given the sour look on her face when she opened the door. Then when he saw the stern man standing there, he thought they'd finally made good on their promise to send him to an orphanage. As they approached the castle, Harry couldn't help thinking, _if this is what an orphanage looks like, I wish they'd sent me here years ago. It looked like a fun place, with towers and a big yard to play in._

The ride over had been real great too. The stern faced man had let him ride up front with the driver, while he rode in the back with Aunt Petunia. Personally, Harry thought he got the better end of the deal, because Aunt Petunia had looked like she had swallowed a lot of lemons, cause her face looked really sour as he looked around at everything, but for some reason she never voiced any of what Harry was sure she wanted to say to the man. He couldn't understand why she looked so sour though. Given how much she enjoyed showing off for the neighbours, he would have thought she would have loved to be seen getting in such a fancy car with a driver and everything. He on the other hand had talked the whole way with the driver about his cool car and the places he'd been in it. Harry hoped that he'd have a cool job one of these days that would allow him travel. He'd never been anywhere really, unless his aunt and uncle had no choice about taking him.

As they entered the castle, Harry heard Aunt Petunia say for the third or fourth time, "I still think you should have let me take the time to clean him up and get him properly dressed."

"I'm just following my orders madame." The stern man told her. "You heard them. We are to bring him here without any delay."

The stern man led them into a room that was painted a pale purple and Harry could see a couple of ladies at the far end of the room talking, though he couldn't see their faces. Harry was so interested in looking at the room and trying to figure out why the ladies at the far end looked familiar, that he didn't noticed Uncle Vernon and Dudley join them, until Dudley poked him hard in the side.

Petunia quickly moved to get between them, not wanting the Queen to see how Dudley was usually permitted to treat his cousin. She allowed his behaviour at home because the brat had to learn his place, but she couldn't let the Queen to see him do it.

"Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness," Marrow spoke up at a signal from the Queen, "Allow me to present the Dursleys and Mr. Potter."

Harry paled at the identity of the women at the other end of the room as he and his relatives stepped closer to where the Queen was seated. Had Aunt Petunia brought him here so that the Queen could lock him in the dungeons?

Aunt Petunia tapped him lightly, at least for her, on the back and muttered softly, "bow boy. Bow to the Queen **now**."

Harry bowed hastily in the direction of Queen of England and Princess Diana.

"We are happy that you could join us today, Mr. Potter." The Queen gestured for him to step forward. She kept her face expressionless, not wanting to reveal her disgust at how the boy was dressed in those oversized clothes, that she could tell by a glance used to belong to the Dursley's overweight son. The Dursleys were a family that was fairly well off and yet they wouldn't buy their own nephew clothes that were his own size.

Harry stepped closer, but not too close, in case this was some kind of trick and asked softly. "Did I do something wrong? Am I in some kind of trouble, Your Majesty?"

"No Harry, you didn't do anything wrong. In fact you did something very right." Princess Diana addressed the small boy by his first name. "We asked you and your family here because we wanted to thank you for what you did."

"What did I do?" Harry asked in a small voice.

His question however was unheard as Petunia, her face growing very pale, gasped out. "You called us here because of **him**? What could **he** have done to bring himself to Your Highness' attention?"

"Honouring young Harry wasn't the only reason madame." The Queen noted that Vernon Dursley's face had grown redder than it was before and had a feeling the only thing keeping him silent was the fact that he was in front of the Queen of England. She knew from the checks she had had done on these people that appearances mattered a great deal to the Dursleys.

"What was the other reason?" Vernon Dursley finally bit out, forgetting to add the Your Majesty or a ma'am. He was worried that the Queen knew exactly how the boy was treated, though how or why she would bother to learn was beyond him. The boy was a worthless freak, like the rest of his kind.

"To discuss your son's actions." The Queen told him just as bluntly.

"My son," Petunia gasped. "What are you talking about? What actions?"

"Your son is a bully madame." The Queen told her brusquely.

"Your Majesty," Petunia couldn't understand why the Queen who had never met their family before was accusing her darling of being a bully. Or why she would bring her freak nephew here to thank him - for anything. "I don't know where you could have heard such dreadfully untrue things or why you would concern yourself over false accusations of bullying. I know that people have accused my precious son of that before, but they are just jealous of him. My Dudley wouldn't hurt a fly. Nor do I understand just what it is you want to thank my nephew for. He hasn't done anything important in his life."

"Are you calling Our grandsons liars, madame?" The Queen's tone warmed Petunia to choose her words with care.

"No, Your Majesty," Petunia quickly back-pedalled, "but they may have mistaken my precious Dudley for someone else. I mean, how could they have met my son?"

"My sons and I made a stop in Surrey to visit a friend of mine on our way to meet up with Charles." Diana told her. "My friend works at your son's school. My sons snuck away from the person who was watching them, and wandered out on to the playground. They were playing with a ball that had been left on the playground and your son came over and demanded that they give it to him. When they didn't, he shoved William to the ground. Your son was going to do the same thing to my other son, Harry, but your nephew got between them and took the blow meant for Harry."

"It's not true." Petunia denied. "My son's a good boy. He would never hurt someone younger than him."

"Dudley Dursley!" The Queen's voice snapped like a whip, stopping Dudley, just as he was about to reach for one of the small cakes on the sideboard.

Dudley quickly waddled back over to join his parents and found himself squirming under the stern gaze of the Queen.

"Dudley Dursley, did you attack my grandson's about two weeks ago, when they were on the playground of your school?" The Queen's tone made it clear that she wouldn't tolerate lying, but Dudley being not too bright, missed the implied threat.

"No, Your Majesty," Dudley told her putting on the innocent air that always got him out of trouble with his parents.

"See," Vernon crowed. "My wife told you he wasn't a responsible. My son is no bully."

"Silence Mr. Dursley!" The Queen ordered, causing the man's face to redden even further

While he went silent, for the moment, Vernon Dursley wasn't used to being treated as if he were unimportant.

"Dudley," the Queen's voice had a hint of iron to it that Dudley finally began to notice. "Do you know what happens to people who lie?"

"They get locked up in the cupboard without food, like that freak does." Dudley piped up, forgetting for the moment that that was something that wasn't supposed to be mentioned. He just wanted to get all the unpleasant attention off him so he could get back to the food on the sideboard. "He lies all the time."

"What freak, Dudley?" Diana asked.

"Him." Dudley hooked his thumb in the direction of his cousin.

"Why is your cousin a freak, Dudley?" Diana inquired.

"He just is," Dudley shrugged, unconcerned. "Always getting in trouble, can't do any of his chores right, and strange things happen around him."

Noticing the pallor on the older Dursleys' faces at this unguarded statement, the Queen leaned forward and asked, "What kind of strange things?"

"Turned his teacher's hair blue once." Dudley told her. "And one time he wound up on the roof of the school when we were chasing him."

"And why were you chasing him?" Diana wanted to know.

"It's a game." Vernon spoke up quickly before Dudley could say any more. He was beginning to get very nervous. This wasn't going at all like he and Petunia figured it would. "Now my son has told you that he didn't hurt the Princes. Besides on the playground..."

"I'm afraid that it isn't, Mr. Dursley." The Queen interrupted him. "You see whether you choose to admit it or not, your son has a history of hurting other children, besides Prince William and Prince Harry. And it was Prince William who identified him as the one who hit him, knocking him to the ground for no good reason."

"Maybe Prince William just misunderstood," Petunia put in. "They were on a playground after all. My son was just playing with the boys. He's a very friendly, boisterous child after all. Always wanting to make new friends."

"Considering the size of the bruise that was on William's chest that evening as well as the one on his lower back, I would hate to see what he could do if he didn't want to be friendly and wasn't 'playing'." Diana couldn't believe how blind this woman was.

"So the boys were playing a bit rough." Vernon spoke up. "They always do. You have to expect bruises..."

"My son was six at the time, Mr. Dursley." Diana pointed out. "Older boys should know better than to play roughly with younger ones, especially when they appear to outweigh the younger ones by more than 3 stone."

The implication that her son was fat angered Petunia enough to say. "That's just puppy fat. He's a big boned child so naturally he is going to carry around more weight."

"That's an awful big puppy then. I would hate to see that dog when it's grown." Marrow muttered under his breath from his position near the Queen.

Queen Elizabeth who heard his comment, had a hard time biting back her laughter and just barely managed to maintain a straight face. "We'll settle this matter now. Diana, please bring in William and Harry."

* * *

Diana led two young boys with blond hair into the sitting room. When the boys caught sight of Harry they waved. 

Harry waved and smiled back at them, remembering them as the only ones who would even talk to him at school or anywhere else, at least until the person in charge of them came out and took them off the playground. He was also slightly sad at the realisation that they wouldn't be going to primary school with him next year, which meant he still wouldn't have any friends there. Dudley would see to that. When he'd first run into them, he had thought their family had just moved into Little Whinging, and their parents were checking out the local school before their kids would have to attend. He had spent most of his time on the playground with them after they had managed to get away from Dudley's gang.

Queen Elizabeth was pleased to see that Harry Potter remembered her grandsons as well as they remembered him. She also noted the slight pallor on Dudley Dursley's face as he saw the young princes. It was clear he also remembered meeting the young princes.

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, since you are the only ones who have never met them before, allow Us to introduce Our grandsons; Prince William Arthur Phillip Louis Windsor and his brother Prince Henry Charles Albert David Windsor." The Queen then returned her attention to Dudley. "Now Dudley Malcolm Dursley, We can tell by the expression on you face that you recognize Our grandsons. Are you going to stick by your story that you didn't in any way attack Our grandsons?"

Dudley gulped and looked at his parents. He could see there was going to be no help there, but he didn't know why. Finally he decided to keep up the lie and said. "No ma'am I did not attack either boy."

"Harry is that true?" The Queen asked him.

The Queen saw that Harry also looked at his aunt and uncle and told him. "Harry, don't worry about what can happen if you speak the truth. Your Aunt and Uncle will do i nothing /i to you for speaking the truth and if they try, We will be the one i punishing /i them."

"We do not tolerate those who abuse children and when they are found i no matter how well they may thing they hide their crimes /i Our laws insure they are punished." The Queen glared at the older Dursleys before returning her attention to Harry and speaking very gently she asked again, "Did your cousin hurt my grandsons?"

Harry took a deep breath, and hoping that Queen's word was better than some of the others he'd told about the Dursleys' hitting him, he nodded and softly said. "Yes ma'am he did."

"THAT'S A LIE!" Vernon bellowed. "That brat is always trying to get my family in some kind of trouble. You can't believe his lies! We took him in out of the goodness of our hearts and all he ever does is repay us with trouble!"

The Queen glared at the man who quite clearly seemed to be losing his mind. "We doubt he is lying, given that Our grandsons have said the same thing and they would have no reason to lie about your son even for someone as special as your nephew will one day be."

"Special!" Harry couldn't help sounding sceptical. "But I'm not special."

"Harry, you have the same gifts and abilities your parents had." The Queen knew it wasn't her place to tell the boy about his magical gifts, but she wanted to let him know what awaited him in his future. "They were very special people."

"Did you know my parents, Your Majesty?" Harry asked.

"No, but I know of people who are like them." The Queen told him.

"You know about **them**?" Petunia gasped, her face going pasty white.

"They live in the British Isles do they not?" The Queen countered. "We try and make it Our business to know as much as We can about the people living in Our Kingdom."

Petunia couldn't believe the Queen of England was condoning these abnormal people! "But..."

"Yes, madame," The Queen's tone warned Petunia to choose her words with care.

Petunia took the warning to heart and said nothing further on the subject.

The Queen could see that Vernon Dursley's face was going from red to purple, an indication that he was definitely fighting an internal battle to keep from saying anything. He clearly didn't want young Mr. Potter to know that he could do magic.

The Queen's secretary Marrow stepped up and whispered something in her ear, to which she nodded.

"To get back to the matter at hand, We invited you, Harry and your family here to thank you for what you did for Our grandsons." The Queen told him. "While at the present time, we can not give you reward or honours for what you did..."

"I didn't get between them and Dudley for money or anything else." Harry quickly interrupted. "I just knew that Dudley and his gang could really hurt them and I didn't want to see that happen."

The Queen just smiled at him and held out the envelope Marrow had given to her. "We know that you didn't, Harry, but we do think you should get something for your selfless act and We decided to make you a Royal Ward."

Harry couldn't help looking puzzled as he took the sealed envelope. "What's a royal ward?"

"It's something that hasn't been done in centuries." The Queen told him. "It's only done with orphans and in centuries past they were generally noble orphans who's parents requested the crown's protection for their children if something happened to them. Basically, it means that to a certain extent the Crown is responsible for your well-being. We can't take you a away from your family, I'm sorry to say, but We will keep an eye on you and make sure that you are not being mistreated."

Diana wasn't normally a vindictive woman, but she enjoyed the sight of the purple colour filling Vernon Dursley's face and seeing him clench his fists to keep from striking out at his nephew as he opened the envelope and looked at the contents. She didn't understand why the Queen didn't just remove the boy from the obviously abusive home and place with another family, but it apparently involved some State secret that only the reigning monarch was allowed to know about. All the Queen had told her was that the boy had to remain with them if he was going to survive to be an adult. She didn't like leaving the boy where he was but maybe his being a Royal Ward would make the Dursleys think twice before actually physically hurting the boy any more. His fear of the Crown's reaction might keep him from physically hurting young Mr. Potter in the future, because he wouldn't know if there were watchers in the area that would report back to the Queen if Harry were mistreated.

Diana couldn't help wondering if young Harry Potter would research what being a Royal ward meant, because there were other benefits for him if he chose to exercise them.

She was shaken out of her thoughts by a loud thump as something hit the floor and then a piercing shriek of: "VERNON!"


End file.
